Dance and Dissonance: 10/13/22

“When I choose to see the good side of things, I’m not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It’s how I’ve learned to survive through everything. I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one, too. This is how I fight.”

-Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

These two cards sit above my desk at home. They’ve followed me across the country and over eight years, usually placed near the door to my bedroom the way one might affix a mezuzah or a crucifix.

The quote on the smaller card is incomplete. The full quote should read:

“You dance love, and you dance joy, and you dance dreams. And I know if I can make you smile by jumping over a couple of couches or running through a rainstorm, then I'll be very glad to be a song and dance man.”

…

I love performing, and I love making people laugh. I had forgotten how much until this past weekend.

It has been an immense pleasure to reconnect with that side of myself again after three years, to shake hands with the part of me that loves to entertain. Saturday night literally revitalized me.

But I still struggle with the dissonance of becoming reacquainted with joy and turning my back on the outside world in what has otherwise felt like a continued season of grief and horror.

…

TW: AAPI Violence

It would come in quiet moments, walking by myself to the ballroom:

“They beat him to death with a scooter.”

And:

“They stabbed him to death over a wig.”

October began with two terrible killings in Southern California. Tommy Lee, a Korean American, was stabbed to death while trying to prevent two teenagers from stealing a wig from his business. Steven Reyes, a Filipino American, was struck in the head with a scooter several times as four teenagers stole a case of beer from the liquor store he worked at. He died after being taken to the hospital.

I read about the first killing before my performance at Mission City Swing last Wednesday. I read about the second killing after floor trials for Classic on Saturday.

But the show must go on.

It has been a lovely dream to escape back into process and performance, but this past week reminded me that I cannot live there exclusively.